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The Riceboy Rules
by: Matt Cramer

Have you ever wanted to argue with muscle car owners and assert the superiority of your own car, but found this to be difficult because you had a slow car, relatively little automotive knowledge, and underdeveloped communications skills? Well, now you can still get V8 owners angry anyway, by following these simple rules which cover most of the situations you may find yourself in during online or face to face arguements.

1. Image
Remember, your image is extremely important as a riceboy. Therefore, make every effort to point out how popular the rice scene is. Appeal to how many people are building cars like yours. Brag about how the import scene is more than just a trend; it's a revolution. The urge to conform is a powerful force, and use it to your advantage whenever possible.

2. Opinions
In a debate, your opinions count as much as real facts. If you think that Mustangs are ugly, that counts for just as much against them as being a whole second faster in the quarter mile. Remember, facts take time to look up, whereas opinions only take seconds to dream up.

3. Horsepower
To estimate your own car's horsepower, take the stock hp rating, and add in the highest estimated power gain from each mod you have done. To estimate the horsepower of an American car, take its stock horsepower rating, and deduct 10 to 25 hp for it being a POS. Make no adjustments for mods. Remember, Japanese horsepower is better quality than the horsepower found in an American car. If you don't know how much horsepower an American car has, assume it has either 30 hp per liter, or 200 hp, whichever is less. If you only have the engine size in cubic inches and don't know how to convert it to liters, make up for this by talking about how much English units suck.
You can never emphasize hp/liter ratios too much. Always brag about how this is more efficient, and just ignore ignorant comments like, "Well, the S2000 makes 120 hp per liter, but it guzzles gas like a V8!" People who make these comments just don't understand that Japanese cars are always more efficient just because they are Japanese, and Japanese have more efficient technology. If somebody reminds you that your car still has less horsepower, talk about what would happen if Honda built a V8 with the same specific output as a Type R, or about what kind of performance a Mustang would have if it had only half the engine size. Some domestic trivia buffs may be able to come up with examples of small, high performance American engines. Just ignore these remarks; you're not likely to win if you try arguing about such cars. Concentrate on V8's instead.

4. Weight
Assume all imports weigh approximately 2,500 lbs, including Eclipses and Supras. Extremely lightweight cars like the CRX and Miata are exceptions. These should be assumed to weigh under 2,000 lbs. Assume all domestics weigh over 3,200 lbs at least, preferably over 3,800 lbs. The exceptions are really huge cars, such as the Chevy Impala or Crown Vics. These land yachts should be assumed to weigh over 5,000 lbs. If a domestic owner mentions something which you have no choice but to admit can't weigh that much, make fun of whatever POS he's come up with, and claim nobody in his right mind would want to be seen in something so ugly. See section 8, Pintos.
Never, ever actually look up the curb weight of a car. If you make up your own weight figures, you can make the difference in weight look all that much more impressive. Constantly brag about power to weight ratios and how imports are better in that respect, even if somebody does the math and proves that many stock domestics have better power to weight ratios than your car.

5. Handling
Japanese cars handle better than American ones, and small FWD American cars handle better than pony cars. This is to be taken as an article of faith; you don't need any evidence to claim this, and shouldn't bother trying to bring up any evidence. Most domestic owners are primarily concerned with drag racing, so they seldom study enough about handling to argue this point. If someone does attempt to argue this, reply with some mumbo jumbo about how solid axles date back to the days of horse drawn wagons, and leave it at that. Do this even if your own car has a solid axle rear suspension. Also emphasize that light weight means better handling. See section 4, Weight. Emphasize that a large V8 up front makes for poor weight distribution, and neglect the fact that FWD cars frequently have even worse weight distribution.

6. Milage
Brag about how much more mileage your car gets as often as possible. This is one area where you can be relatively certain your car performs better than muscle cars. The fact that muscle car owners usually don't care too much about mileage doesn't matter. Some may be content to get 25 mpg or so with a modern fuel injected pony car, so claim without proof that their cars really get 16 mpg or worse. Assume that older big block muscle cars get less than one mile per gallon. Always use city mileage estimates for domestics, and highway mileage estimates for imports, to make the gap seem as large as possible.

7. Quality control and reliability
American cars should be presumed to be built to 1978 levels of quality control. When you wish to demonstrate how much more reliable your car is, use either Consumer Reports or an account of some American car built in the late 70's or early 80's that some family member owned and afterwards swore never to by another American car. Brag about how your car is going to last 150,000 miles, and state that none of the domestics owned by your critics will last that long, even if some of them have somehow managed to keep a domestic car on the road for over 200,000 miles with an unrebuilt engine. Remember, closing your mind is your best defense about being confused by facts.

8. Pintos
The Pinto should be used as an example of how badly built American cars are. Treat all American compact cars as modern day descendants of the Pinto. Ignore any comments about sick minded people who have either raced Pintos or stuffed V8's into them, or people with a sick devotion to meaningless trivia who have memorized such obscure data as the fact that only 27 Pintos ever caught fire due to being rear ended. Remember, image is what counts here, not reality. Pintos have a horrible reputation, and you should use it for all it's worth.

9. Progress and technology
It's an indisputable fact that cars have become better built, more powerful, and more reliable since the late 70's. Since you were probably born sometime in the late 70's or early 80's, what was built before then doesn't count anyway, so you can safely assume that newer is always better. Remember, many American V8's were designed even before the 70's, so they must be even worse than the cars designed in that decade.
Never pass up an opportunity to mention any kind of technology found in your car that is not found in traditional American muscle cars. It doesn't matter how useful or useless this technology is, if it was invented by the Japanese, or even if you have a clue as to what it does; proclaim it to be a sign of Japanese technological superiority. However, you should at least make an effort to spell the name of the innovation correctly.

10. Street racing
The best way to estimate the performance of your car is by what you've been able to beat in a street race. Your kill stories should have the best spin on them possible. For example, if you drive past a parked Corvette, claim you found a Corvette and blew by it like it was standing still. They don't have to know that it really was standing still. Or race vehicles such as dump trucks and conversion vans so you can claim you beat an American V8.
Never post a timeslip if you can avoid it.

11. Magazines
Study up well on magazines like Consumer Reports and Super Street. They provide great arguing material. It's best to avoid magazines that cater to the enemy. Don't even touch books that cover serious, in-depth analysis of engine or chassis tuning. Your status as a riceboy is at stake here.

12. When all else fails
If you can't refute anything the people you are arguing with say, call them rednecks and/or accuse them of being gay. These will get them angry without actually requiring you to think about their arguements.

-Matt Cramer (aka MadScientistMatt)

*Editors note: I've noticed that the sarcastic humor in this article has went right over some of your heads! For the record, this article is pure sarcasm! We hate ricers too! So for god's sake please stop sending me email about it!

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