found this little gem online, I think hes onto something!
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Manliness in danger of extinction
By Zach Parks
I pump iron, because iron-pumping is manly.
I returned to Oxford after a long winter break to find that my gym had been taken over by idiots. Every January these collar-popping pansies pollute my gym in hopes of gaining last-minute beach muscle in time for spring break. Then, by March they're gone. This futile attempt to reverse a semester of binge drinking is turning my palace of testosterone into a combination of TRL and the Mickey Mouse Club, this annual phenomenon also illustrates the general lack of manliness in today's society. Kids these days lack the sufficient couth, persistence and sportsmanship to maintain a grueling, manly year-round workout. These girly-men need to get the hell out of my gym.
I miss days of our grandfathers, back when men were real men.
Back then the game of dodgeball was played with rocks and the game of dodgerock was played with knives. I miss the days when everyone was a badass.
Somehow between then and now fate decided to take a steaming hot dump all over Darwin's grave as a generation of salty war veterans gave way to a generation of scarf-wearing -=-=-=-=-=-=s.
It hurts me to think that for years society stands idly painting its fingernails while icons like Clint Eastwood are replaced by wieners like Ryan Seacrest. If these generations of manly men were still alive they would spit tobacco juice in Ryan Seacrest's face and then make him wash and wax their Trans Am.
Back in the good old days things were much simpler. Back then you could walk into a caf and not be totally confused. This is because back then it didn't matter if you were trying to order, cappuccino, mocha latte or espresso they were all called the same thing, scotch.
Back then four out of five doctors recommended smoking. This isn't because of doctor's ignorance to the dangers of smoking. This is because lungs used to be much more manly. Lungs used to be a manly shade of black instead of a girly shade of pink. But these days our lungs have devolved into an advanced state of weenie-ism making us incapable of enjoying rich tobacco goodness.
When manly men aren't eating pieces of -=-=-=-= like you for breakfast they're eating sausage wrapped in bacon, wrapped in more bacon and topped with a fried egg, and they wash it down with a glass of bacon grease, topped off with a doctor recommended cigarette.
Look at any grumpy old man and the first thing you'll notice is that he smells like a medium-sized pile of garbage that is sitting on top of a large-sized pile of garbage. This is because of years and years of stink that has built up from a combination of bare-knuckle boxing and bare-knuckle lumberjacking.
Wimps, weenies and vegetarians are ruining our great nation. America is on a downward spiral, we've got a fever and the only prescription is scotch, red meat and lumberjacks.
Posted by: No Rice Allowed
I don't think so...look at how tall, big and fast the NFL is today compared to the old days....And Clint Eastwood couldn't hold a candle to Jackie Chan, Steven Seagal, or Chuck Norris in a fist fight....now or in their prime. Lumberjacks aren't near as manly as the guys who fish for crabs in Alaska.
besides...I always thought real men, sat at a desk or a chalk board thinking up ideas and getting everyone else to make it work, while they laugh all the way to the bank.
Posted by: a93vr4gt3000
It's funny cause it's true. I like #19.
If men truly ran the world
1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
6. Garbage would take itself out.
7. Regis and Kelly would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17. It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".
19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".
21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Posted by: Darcsun
I like that list... but the first guy reeks of homo.
Posted by: GMR
Quote:
22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
Ive also found that "Hey, I went home with some skank last night and I had no idea where I was when I woke up this morning. I think Im in the northside of Amarillo, Ill be a bit late." works also.
LS
Posted by: Biff Buyer
frickin wimps with their pink shirts and collars up in the air...
